nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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