If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize