My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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