I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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