I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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