I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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