So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
