I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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