Sponge bath it is.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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