im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
