The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
only if we run a train.
done.
Is it because I queefed?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
