it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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