in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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