probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
