If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
