never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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