im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
