Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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