remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
