listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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