I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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