i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
