I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
