if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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