all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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