After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
