In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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