Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
