i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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