Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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