marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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