I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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