If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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