I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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