The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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