yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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