I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
