they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
