Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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