I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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