if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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