Who did Billy Mays play for?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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