I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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