I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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