I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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