I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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