shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
