dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
