i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
