Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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