I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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