I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
