dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
