I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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