I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
