There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
